Cold hands, warm shart.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
