My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
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