Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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