Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
