i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
