Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
