Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
