i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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