I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
