Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
