If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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