I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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