everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
