I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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