My room smells like vodka and shame
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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