i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
