Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
