I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Hippo gnu deer
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
