The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
