is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you win again, gameday.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
