this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Randomize
