he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
