I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She's not a foreskin expert like you
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
