dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
