Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
not ubering you a puppy
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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