Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
