Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
