Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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