You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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