Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
