k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
