nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
