life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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