i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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