Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
