I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
