Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
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That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize