I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
