people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
