I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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