There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
