It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
