no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
