So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
