Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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