if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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