I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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