I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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