I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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