I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
