I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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