the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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