my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just found puke in my bra..
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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