i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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